


i kiss hypocrisy as i preached strength

by ajidhaka



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, FUCK. SPOILERS, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, basically dont read this till u beat blue lions, dimi's wife appears but i didn't want to decide who she is so you interpret ig, felix might be a bit ooc is what i mean whoops sorry, fraldarddyd - Freeform, how could i forget - Freeform, i fucking forgot to add a summary i am so stupid im gonna combust, if youre here for a good time im sorry this is just a big kick to the gut, might be a bit ooc for reasons im too tired to explain, one moment, paired ending and a support spoilers!!, presumably onesided but actually isnt, there we go
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 16:09:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20230633
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ajidhaka/pseuds/ajidhaka
Summary: "Don't you want to spend your last moments with your wife?""No. Only with you, Felix."





	i kiss hypocrisy as i preached strength

**Author's Note:**

> not my best piece, i def dont like how i wrote it and wanted to add more to it but i really dont wanna work on it anymore whoops
> 
> i hope you'll enjoy (uh. look at the tags oops) it regardless?

"Don't you want to spend your last moments with your wife?"

Felix hated the words that left his mouth. Here he was, sitting by Dimitri's- _King Dimitri's_\- bed, or much rather soon to be deathbed, and faced him with such bitterness.

_Even after all these years, he will not admit to the aching in his heart._

Dimitri, as pale as the ghosts that used to haunt him, with his golden hair that had turned snowy white over the years, smiled. It was soft, warm, comforting, and were it any other occasion it would have left Felix awestruck over and over again, reminding him of one of the reasons why he felt the way he did towards his king. But now, as Dimitri was withering away, was on the verge of death, right in front of him, the smile struck him down like a well aimed sword instead. It sliced his heart in two; Broken and unrepairable.

The duke did not expect his king's reply to his question:

"No. Only with you, Felix."

Two broken pieces of his heart shattered into a million pieces now instead. Felix swore he could hear each one clattering to the ground, the sound ringing in his ears.

"Don't say things you don't mean. Especially not when you're about to... about to..."

_ "I'm not after empty words. I want you to speak through your actions." Dimitri had taken his friend's words to heart, it seemed._

Pathetic, Felix thought, that he could not even finish his own sentence. That vocalizing what was apparent, that Dimitri would leave him behind and move onto the afterlife, would be like accepting it-

He could not.

He could never.

"I've never been more honest than I am right now."

Dimitri's smile was weak, the regret and sorrow practically oozing off of it. His eye reflected his inner turmoil; It was like a mirror to his soul- And Felix did not believe what he saw in it.

In the end, what the duke saw could _not, _could _never_, have been what he always hoped for: Love.

_Love._

Dimitri reached out to Felix, his hand bony and shaky; It was like porcelain: Easy to shatter, requiering the utmost care lest it breaks.

How ironic- Usually it was the king himself who had to handle delicate things in such a manner.

Felix held onto Dimitri's reaching hand with both of his.

_Their warmth left them rapidly._

"I could not have been happier to have you by my side."

Were it Dimitri's hands that were shaking due to their deathly coldness, or was it Felix', upon slowly realizing what was happening? Upon the fast approaching death of his king sinking in?

"I wish I could have been a better friend. Or even..."

He paused- His vision blurred. He closed his eye. A tear ran down his cheek as he braced himself for his last moments- His last words.

"Felix, I wish-"

"Don't go."

Felix felt the tears in his eyes quickly streaking down his face. He could not care about it- His entire world was coming to an abrupt halt, about to be torn apart by an undeniable truth.

He could not accept it.

_He could never._

"Don't go, you boar!" he shouted, his grip on Dimitri's hand tightening. "Don't you dare go!" his volume rose higher, yet his voice cracked; His sobs interrupted his shouts, even suffocated him as he continued to speak through it.

_"Please, don't leave me behind, Dimitri."_ was Felix's broken plea, a quiet whimper, as he choked back his sobs and tried to hold back his tears.

Dimitri opened his eye again; His expression was so much worse than his last: It was the saddest smile Felix had ever seen on his king's- No, his _friend's_ face. He was unaware how much his current state tore apart Dimitri's heart as well.

"I wish I could stay with you, Felix."

Dimitri's hand slowly slipped out of the duke's hands. He was crying, his heart shattering as he saw Felix crying out, in denial that Dimitri was dying.

_"Didn't you once tell me that the living are living and the dead are dead? That the dead will not care about loyalty and love? Then please, move on from me; I will be joining the dead as well. Do not let me haunt you."_

Dimitri wished he could have told Felix this, wished he could have uttered these words to him as comfort, but alas:

His time was up. So he spoke his last words:

"I'm... sorry, Fe...lix..."

His eye was shut, the last sight he was graced by being Felix, his ever loyal friend- whom he could not admit the truth of his feelings to, even in his final moments as he drew his last breath.

His ever loyal friend, whom he loved so dearly and wholeheartedly, yet never could confess to him through words but by actions alone. Yet still-

_His last three words could have been something else as well._

Felix desperately grasped Dimitri's hand, clutched it to his chest, as he _sobbed_. Dimitri's name fell from his lips, over and over again, in a desperate plea to _please have him come back, please not have him leave Felix behind all alone, please let Felix enjoy at least another day, another hour, another minute, another second, with Dimitri_-

But no matter how much Felix pleaded, Dimitri was never coming back, just like how his heart would never be mended again.

So he layed there, his head burried into a corpse's chest and his hands grasping its own.

_Everything was cold, so very cold._

* * *

It has been five years since then.

Five long, sorrowful years.

Felix, with a boquet of flowers in hand, stands in front of Dimitri's grave. His hair and his clothes are soaked; The rain is pouring down heavily today.

He does not care.

Felix reads the name engraved on the tombstone over and over again, yet cannot grasp how it is real. How he is standing here again, with another boquet of flowers, for the fifth time now. How he, after all this time, still has not come to accept that _Dimitri is dead._

With one knee to the ground, Felix places the flowers by his friend's grave. And like everytime he visited it, he says:

"What did you apologize for, you boar? Why did you waste your last breath on me?"

He does not expect a reply, he never did and never got one, yet today is different:

"It was not a waste. Not for him. Never."

Felix turns around. Right behind him stands Dimitri's wife, clad in clothes darker than any shadow. Conrasting her mournful clothing is the white umbrella she holds up to shield herself from all the rain, making her look like an angel mourning a mortal soul's return to the heavens, and the white lily she holds close to her chest.

"Why never a red rose?" Felix asks. There it is, his bitterness again. He cannot help it- All he had been doing for the past years is wallow in said bitterness and regret.

It is not her fault, he tells himself, so why does he face her in such a manner?

He knows why.

He refuses to acknowledge why, just as he refuses to acknowledge why Dimitri's death left him so broken beyond repair, so entirely messed up that he cannot even call _himself_ alive anymore.

Dimitri's wife approaches him, her steps slow and wary, and places the white lily by the grave as she stands right beside Felix.

"I always thought it was more appropriate to give a red rose to someone who reciprocates."

Felix stares up at her, eyes wide, and the words are stuck in his throat. What is he supposed to reply anyway? That it is not true? That Dimitri loved her with his whole heart?

Felix does not want to say it. Nor is there any need to, as Dimitri's wife, with pity reflected in her eyes, says:

"How fitting that you give him red roses when you visit."

_A boquet of white orchids, as well as yellow and red roses, lays by Dimitri's grave whenever the day he died rolls around._

Felix feels the winds being knocked out of him- Feels his heart stop beating, feels his entire world coming to an abrupt halt. He feels his head spin, his vision blurring.

"It cannot be." Felix chokes out.

"He spent his last moments with the person he loved. He loved you till his last breath. I knew, from the moment I saw how he looks at you, and how his gaze always lingers on you, that he is utterly and undeniably in love with you."

She pauses, lets her eyes wander over Felix, who is clutching the fabric of his shirt, right at his heart. He lets out forced breaths, his eyes glued onto the grave and the shock written all over his face.

"He knew it was impossible, as he was the king and needed an heir. I am not saying I was unloved- He truly loved me, but not the way he loved you."

Felix fears her words, yet still, slowly, almost carefully, yet definetly frightened to the core, turns his head to her and meets her eyes.

_"He loved you, Felix. He always did."_

The tears fall from his eyes, just as they did when he was clutching onto Dimitri for dear life.

_"He... He loved me. Dimitri loved me."_ Felix says out loud, as though vocalizing it will let him comprehend and accept it.

He turns his gaze to Dimitri's grave again, his emotions a whirlwind that threatens to never stop. There was no way he could possibly handle this: Dimitri loved him back all this time now but even then, _even then, _they were doomed; Starcrossed lovers who were stuck being friends till one's bitter end.

Felix moves, clutches onto Dimitri's grave and screams:

_"Why did you not tell me, you boar! How could you!"_

He screams and screams and _screams_ until his voice is hoarse and his throat burns. Felix does not even realize Dimitri's wife leaving him be to mourn and let it all sink in. Yet still, the words never stop flowing out of his mouth.

There is a short, pitiful pause to his heartwrenching cries.

"Maybe things could have been different if I told him how I feel instead. _If I was the one who told Dimitri I loved him instead._"

The sound of raindrops hitting the ground is so overwhelmingly loud it is almost deafening, yet the only sound that rings in Felix' ears are his sharp intakes of air.

Did he not confront Dimitri on how much he clung to the dead? Did he not tell him to focus more on the living, as they are the ones that matter in the present?

Felix asked himself, and still does, why his brother and father had to die while he remained, yet as he carried that burden he never let his grief consume him.

But now?

Oh, what a hypocrite he is right now.

Dimitri's death hurts him, breaks him- Has _already_ broken him.

Felix feels this hole in his heart expanding, his grief and regret swallowing him whole.

He lays his head against the tombstone, closes his eyes to the rain and to the world, and whispers:

_"I'm sorry, Dimitri."_


End file.
